True Freedom – Be Fully Known

Hi, my name is Lauri and I have a new life in Christ. I am recovering from low self-worth, co-dependency, and approval of man.

I grew up in a family that loved and served the Lord. At a young age, I was told the story of salvation, how God sent his only son to die on a cross for my sins, and Jesus paid my debt of sin. So at the tender age of seven, I gave my life to the Lord.

Shortly after I was born my mom became ill, eventually she was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Eight years later after my younger brother was born, physically she became worse and over the next several years she became a quadriplegic.

Searching for some hope of healing, my parents began to attend a Charismatic/Word of Faith church. This teaching is very focused on prosperity and healing. If you confessed you would be healed or prosperous then it would happen, but when it didn’t happen it meant you didn’t really have enough faith to believe for those things or you had un-forgiveness or sin in your life.

Growing up in this environment my relationship with God was marked by striving to work a formula so that I would have a victorious life.  To me that meant that if I prayed enough, read my bible enough, and claimed those things, then I wouldn’t have any problems. When that didn’t work I constantly felt condemned and hopeless.

As life continued I was always striving to live a righteous life, but I constantly found myself trying to find significance in anyone other than God and seeking to find my self-worth thru relationships with the opposite sex. I used these relationships to fulfill my need to be desired.

At the age of 19, after being in a year-long relationship with my boyfriend, we were faced with an unplanned pregnancy. I was scared and ashamed. Although I was a Christian, it would be a lie to say I didn’t consider abortion. Thankfully I quickly realized that was not an option.

When I told my boyfriend I was pregnant, the first thing he said was, let’s get married. As thankful as I was that he was willing to take responsibility for our situation, we also agreed we didn’t want to step into marriage because of the pregnancy.  We agreed we would take the next two weeks and pray and seek God in the next step. After the two weeks, we both felt a peace to get married.  As hard as that time was, my church family gathered around us and supported and loved us deeply.  I married my then boyfriend and now husband.  Thru this time my relationship with God became front and center again.

God blessed us with 5 beautiful children. During our first twelve years of marriage, I felt our marriage was in a good place. We were happy, not perfect, but happy.  We were always very involved with church and at times had great community.

About 8 months before our twelfth year anniversary I became suspicious that my husband was being unfaithful. I would try to talk to him about it and he would tell me I was just being insecure. I voiced my concerns to a few friends and even my pastor, and no one took me seriously.

One day I came home from picking the kids up from school and I turned on the answering machine. I quickly stopped it when I heard the voice of the husband of the woman I been suspicious of being involved with my husband.  I told the kids to go play outside and I listened to the rest of the message. He had called to let me know that my husband and his wife were having an affair. He had come across an email between the two of them.  My world was turned upside down. I was devastated. Trust had been broken. I never knew pain like that pain, I felt it physically.

I am thankful that when my husband’s sin was exposed he was immediately repentive.  I loved my husband and chose to forgive him and extend him grace. But in the months that followed I struggled with my self-image, nothing about me was good enough. I constantly compared myself to her.

All the years growing up in church, I never really learned who I was in Christ. While dealing with all of this, the church that we were in did not care for my husband and I well. But how could they when 2 of the pastors were caught in affairs as well. I thought, is there any man out there that can stay faithful in a marriage?

A few years after the affair we left the church wounded. I grew bitter towards the church and towards God.  I struggled thinking that I didn’t deserve this. I was a good wife.  My heart and my faith grew cold and I became jaded.  When temptation came, it was easy to give in and I found myself in my first affair.

During the next several years we skipped around to different churches. Wounded and hurt we struggled to commit anywhere. We were so off track. I continued to step outside of marriage and had multiple affairs.  It was exhausting.  The shame and guilt was overwhelming at times, and I tried to make better choices, but time and time again I would find myself in the same situations. I isolated myself. Feelings of low self-worth made it difficult for me to set healthy boundaries and I strived to please man versus God.

I was faithless, useless and ineffective.

Then we landed at the Springs.  As we finally committed to a church, our hearts begin to soften towards the things of God. We had longed for a place where people were real about their struggles and sin. A place that focused more on your relationship with God and not what you could get from him. My heart began to turn from my old ways and my relationship with God began to mend.

Over the years I struggled, wanting to confess my sin of adultery to my husband. I believed the lie that it would only cause him pain and it was not worth it. I even thought at times that God was being gracious to me by not letting my sin be exposed. I was so deceived! Psalm 32: 3 says, “For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away”.

I few months before Regen, the Holy Spirit began to tug on my heart about confessing my sin. I tried to dismiss it for a while, but the tug became stronger and stronger until I couldn’t sleep. I wrestled in my spirit as I have never wrestled before.  I was so scared of the consequences.

While at a church conference a speaker shared her story of adultery and she kept saying, “Today is the best day to confess.” So I decided to trust God and be obedient.

After leaving that session I went to the chapel and with the support of friends and a counselor, I confessed to husband my first affair. After confessing the counselor asked me if there was anything else to confess, the last 2 percent. I said no, knowing that there was more. I thought that would be enough to satisfy what God was asking me to do, but God made it clear very quickly that I had to confess it all.

Over the next week I was in turmoil until one evening I confessed it all to my husband. My sin no longer controlled me, it was all out there. James 5:16 says, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working”. I confessed to my husband, my children, my community group and people I served with at church. I asked for forgiveness for being deceitful in how I lived my life.

God’s grace was shown to me time and time again. Freedom came. I am now fully known by God and by others. I struggled with thoughts of shame after I confessed, but since Regen I am learning who I am in Christ. I am loved, accepted, chosen, forgiven, blameless, righteous, holy, free, a new creation, his child, an heir, united in Spirit with him, one who bears spiritual fruit, a sharer of His nature, able to know God, able to do God’s will and set apart for His good work. I am becoming more Christ-like!

A shout out to my sweet husband! He has shown me grace thru this whole process. There have been some heavy, hard days, but I can tell you that God has walked every step with us. I can’t even tell you how many times he has told me, “How can I not forgive you when I have been forgiven so much?”

Psalm 103:2-5 says “Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s”.

The benefits of being obedient in confessing sin so outweighs living with sin and its hold on me. My unconfessed sin caused me to have a clouded view of how I thought God viewed me. Through Regen I have learned that God is for me, not against me. He wants me free from sin and the death it brings. I am forgiven and set free, not because of anything that I did but all because of what He did for me!

My old lustful desires have been replaced by a new to desire to recognize my sin and confess it. I am daily learning to respond to God’s grace.

Whatever step you are at in Regen, don’t let fear keep you from confessing everything (that last 2 percent). Find the freedom and joy that comes from being fully known by God and others.  Trust the process. God is faithful to complete what He has started in you thru Regen.

Join the Discussion

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Back to top